Friendships in Retirement: Why Strong Relationships Matter More Than Ever

When we think about preparing for retirement, there are some things that naturally come to mind.

We think about our finances, where we might live, how we’ll spend our time and hopefully how we’ll look after our health.

But there’s another part of creating a happy and fulfilling retirement that I think deserves just as much attention.

Our relationships.

The older I get, the more I realise just how important the people in our lives are.

Family, old friends, new friends, neighbours and even those people we might only see occasionally all bring something different to our lives. They give us people to talk to, laugh with, celebrate with and turn to when life isn’t quite so easy.

And while strong relationships are important at every stage of life, I think they become particularly precious as we get older.

Retirement Can Change Our Social Lives Too

One thing we don’t always consider when thinking about retirement is how much of our social interaction may have been connected to work.

Even if your colleagues weren’t your closest friends, there were conversations throughout the day. Someone asking what you did on the weekend. A chat while making coffee. Lunch with a colleague. Someone popping their head into your office.

When work reduces or disappears altogether, some of that everyday interaction can disappear with it.

That’s another reason I think it’s worth being intentional about maintaining the relationships we already have — and remaining open to creating new ones.

Friendships don’t always just happen.

Sometimes we need to make them a priority.

Being a Good Friend Matters Too

It’s very easy to think about whether we have good friends.

But perhaps an equally important question is:

Am I being a good friend?

Like most worthwhile things in life, relationships need some effort.

Being an active listener is such a simple place to start. Really listening when someone is speaking rather than waiting for our turn to talk. Remembering the little things they’ve told us. Asking how something went because we know it mattered to them.

Empathy is important too.

We won’t always completely understand what someone else is experiencing, but we can listen without immediately trying to fix things or tell them what they should do.

And I think sharing our own vulnerabilities matters as well.

Close relationships are built when we’re able to say, I’m struggling with this, I’m worried, or I don’t have everything figured out either.

We don’t have to share everything with everybody, of course. But allowing the people we trust to see the less-than-perfect parts of our lives creates space for deeper, more genuine relationships.

Don’t Wait for a Special Occasion

If you’ve read A Joyful Ordinary Life for any length of time, you probably won’t be surprised that I’m a big believer in celebrating!

And I don’t think we need to wait for milestone birthdays, Christmas or anniversaries to bring the people we love together.

Have the movie night.

Organise a game night.

Invite someone over for an easy dinner.

Meet for breakfast.

Make a cake because somebody got some good news.

Open the bottle of bubbles.

Sometimes the occasion can simply be that everyone was available on the same Saturday night.

These little gatherings create the memories and stories that become part of our relationships.

We don’t need elaborate entertaining every time. A pizza on the table and a few people you love sitting around it can be just as meaningful as the beautifully planned celebrations.

The important part is getting together.

Put Friendship in the Diary

One thing I’ve learned is that saying “We really must catch up” doesn’t necessarily mean we ever will.

Life gets busy.

Even in retirement, I suspect!

Sometimes we simply have to put things in the diary.

Schedule the coffee.

Organise the lunch.

Choose the date for the movie night.

Make the dinner booking.

Plan the weekend away.

It might sound rather unromantic to schedule friendship, but I’d much rather have a coffee with a friend written in my diary than spend six months saying we really should organise one.

Relationships need time, and sometimes the only way to protect that time is to actually make the plan.

When the People You Love Don’t Live Nearby

Of course, not all of the people who matter to us will live around the corner.

Families move. Children grow up and create lives elsewhere. Friends relocate. Grandchildren may live interstate or overseas.

This is one area where I think technology can be such a gift.

FaceTime and video calls allow us to see someone’s face rather than just hear their voice. Family group chats let us share photographs and the little everyday moments that we might otherwise miss. We have a group chat for Hazel’s fan club where Em and Mitch share little pictures and videos of our beautiful girl. I’m not going to lie its pretty exciting every time something lands in there!!

Technology can’t replace sitting across the table from someone you love, but it can help keep us connected between those times.

And I think it’s worth embracing rather than deciding we’re “not good with technology”.

If learning to use one little app means being able to regularly see the face of someone you love, that’s a pretty good reason to learn.

Tell People What They Mean to You

I also think we can get better at telling people how much we appreciate them.

We often assume they know.

Maybe they do.

But it’s still lovely to hear it.

Send a card with a handwritten message.

Call a friend out of the blue and tell her you’re grateful she’s been there through the years.

Send someone a message after you’ve spent time together simply saying how much you enjoyed it.

Thank the people who continually show up for you.

We don’t need to wait until somebody is going through a difficult time to tell them what they mean to us.

There is something rather wonderful about receiving an unexpected reminder that you matter to someone.

What If You’d Like More Friends?

Of course, not everyone enters retirement surrounded by a large circle of friends.

Friendships change throughout our lives.

People move away. Circumstances change. Some friendships naturally drift apart. And sometimes we simply realise we’d like a little more social connection in our lives.

Making new friends as an adult can feel daunting.

We don’t have the school playground or young children’s activities automatically putting us in the same room with potential friends anymore.

So we may need to be a little more deliberate about it.

One of the easiest places to start is with something you already enjoy.

Join a book club.

Find a gardening group.

Try a knitting, crochet or crafting group.

Volunteer for an organisation you care about.

Take a class in something you’ve always wanted to learn — perhaps a new language, cooking, art, photography or anything else that sparks your curiosity.

The wonderful thing about starting with an interest is that you already have something in common with the other people in the room.

Technology can help here too. Local Facebook groups and websites such as Meetup can be useful for discovering groups, events and activities happening nearby.

And yes, walking into something new where you don’t know anyone can be uncomfortable.

But perhaps we need to be willing to feel a little uncomfortable occasionally to make room for something wonderful to happen.

Not Every Friend Needs to Become a Best Friend

I think this is really important.

When we’re talking about creating social connections, it doesn’t mean we’re searching for ten new best friends.

Different relationships can have different places in our lives.

There are the people we might call in the middle of the night.

There are friends we see regularly.

There are friends we might only catch up with every few months but absolutely love sitting down with over a cuppa and filling each other in on everything that’s happened since we last met.

And then there are acquaintances.

The person you chat to at the gym.

Someone from your gardening club.

A neighbour you stop and talk to.

The person you always seem to sit beside at a class.

Those connections count too.

Not every relationship needs to become deep and intimate to add something positive to our lives.

Sometimes a friendly conversation and a little human connection is enough to brighten an ordinary day.

Making Space by Letting Some Relationships Go

There’s another side to all of this that I think is equally important.

While we’re nurturing the good relationships in our lives, we may also need to take an honest look at the ones that continually make us unhappy.

Not every difficult relationship is toxic, of course. People we love will occasionally disappoint us, annoy us and disagree with us — just as we will undoubtedly do the same to them.

Good relationships aren’t relationships without conflict.

But there is a difference between the normal ups and downs of loving imperfect people and relationships that consistently leave us feeling diminished, anxious, used or unhappy.

Sometimes we need stronger boundaries.

And sometimes we may decide that a relationship no longer deserves the space it has been taking in our lives.

That doesn’t always require an enormous confrontation or dramatic ending. Some relationships can simply be allowed to become less important.

We have a limited amount of time and emotional energy.

I’d rather invest mine in relationships where there is kindness, respect, care and a genuine desire for one another to be happy.

Sometimes making room for more good in our lives means being willing to let go of what is no longer good for us.

Creating a Richer Retirement

The more I learn about retirement, the more I realise that creating a happy life after work isn’t going to come down to one big decision.

It’s all these smaller pieces coming together.

Looking after our health.

Staying curious.

Creating a home we enjoy spending time in.

Finding purpose beyond our work.

And surrounding ourselves with people who make life richer.

We can have the most beautiful home, plenty of hobbies and a perfectly organised retirement plan, but I think life would feel rather empty without people to share it with.

So perhaps part of planning for retirement should be looking at our relationships too.

Who do we want to stay close to?

Who haven’t we seen for far too long?

Where could we create opportunities for new connections?

And just as importantly, what kind of friend, partner or family member do we want to be?

Because strong relationships aren’t simply something we have.

They’re something we create, nurture and keep choosing.

Maybe that means organising a dinner.

Joining the book club.

Making the FaceTime call.

Sending the card.

Or finally arranging that coffee we’ve been talking about for six months.

They’re very small things.

But I’m beginning to think they’re some of the things that might matter most.

Staying curious can open the door to so much more than learning something new — it can also introduce us to new people and experiences. In my post “How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life“, I shared why I believe continuing to explore our interests and try new things can play such an important role in creating a fulfilling retirement.